VERA was in the midst of friends gaping in disbelief at her
exploits when she continued, obviously enjoying rattling her listeners: “I had
sex with an old boyfriend last week when I went to his office. Later in the
afternoon, I had a date. Sex was on the cards and we got down to it. That
night, I went to bed satisfied for having gotten laid without suffering a
broken heart”.
At 36, Vera confessed her life had gone crazy since she was
dumped by her live-in- lover with whom she had two children at the beginning of
the year when he met someone new. Speaking of her former partner, she said, “He
was a year older than I am, good-looking, funny and a real charmer and I fell
like a ton of bricks for him. And at first, it was brilliant and we went on to
have our kids in quick succession.
By this time, I had discovered that he bad a drink problem
which I got caught up in. We would be drinking till late in the night after
work, day after day. I hated being hang over all of the time. “Inevitably, he
started cheating on me and became really abusive, so I packed my bags and left
with my two children.
I was lucky to have my parents’ help in raising them as I
was really depressed about the break up. My self-esteem was so low I started
going for any man that showed any interest. I work in a large insurance company
and there are lots of guys there. I had flings with a few of them in
succession and colleagues started talking about me behind my back and
sniggering at me. So, the affairs at work stopped. “Shortly after, a guy I went
to university with came into the office to sort out his insurance without
knowing I worked there.
He asked me for a date and even though the date was dismal,
I still had sex with him at the end of it. Unfortunately, the sex obviously
meant more to him as he later declared his love for me. I had to tell him I’d
just separated from a man I had two kids with and wasn’t looking for a
replacement so soon.
He was quite angry I hadn’t been on the level with him about
my past before leading him on. I mean how would he feel if I’d confessed that
having sex with him on a first date seemed easier than telling him he didn’t
turn me on at all” . One night stands, like Vera had, could be therapeutic even
with your long term lover. In the past, no-strings sex was easy for men but
left women emotionally broken.
Not any more. “Despite i experts’ saying the oxdytocin
released after sex means a woman gets quickly attached, there is no
neurobiological evidence to support this”, says Kayt Suken, author of Dirty
Minds: How our Brains influence Love, Sex and Relationships. But don’t go in
search of a casual hook-up just yet as it’s been discovered that while 80% of
men felt positive after a one-night stand, the figure for women is 54% with
many saying their overriding feeling was one of ‘being used’ .
According to Kayt “If you’re sure you can bring your body to
the party and leave your heart at home, fine. But we’re also dealing with
psychology here, in which sex and self-esteem are outwined. Chemicals aside,
when someone walks away after a fling, the other person can feel, ‘I wasn’t
good enough to see again’. Before you embark on a one-night stand relationship,
here are five questions you should tackle:
WHO: “ Avoid relationship material” – advises Kayt,
otherwise you risk emotional investment, which will ruin the disposable thrill
factor. If you don’t share an emotional history and anticipate how it could
affect mutual friends, a mate can be fun. Exes can also work. They already
fancy you, but be honest: is one night worth relieving the break-up.’ Strangers
are dodgy. They really could be anyone, into anything, plus you risk the
dreaded day after the best option is the friend of someone you rarely see –
someone can vouch for him. For a candidate who will make it memorable, choose a
man with more hair on his body than on his head. They’re supposed to be the
hottest one-night stands due to their hormonal make-up.
WHY? Gratification. A one-night stand is great for
dis-stressing, and being busy distracts from any residual longing after the
event. A fling is a way of seeing “what else is out there and establishing what
you need in bed before you form a relationship. But if what you’re really after
is a confidence boost, grab your vibrator instead; a one-night stand will make
you £eel worse.
WHAT: A good one-night stand should be simple and
experimental. Just don’t go down a too complicated track that could transform
excitement into a try-hard test that’ll ruin your kicks. Adopt the mind-set
that this is a clean sexual slate. Challenge yourself to experiment. One of the
benefits is you can do this without worrying about the emotional aftermath for
your relationship. If you’re at your place, go an out for fore-play. Let your
imagination and preference run riot. Men enjoy this but would never request
anything kinky from a partner.
WHEN: Straight after a break-up can be great. According to
Kayt, “Two to three months after a split with someone you loved can make you
susceptible to pining afterwards, so hold off. Also being drunk makes you more
adventurous, but it can be risky. Relaxed is the state to aim for. The more in
control a woman is, the more she enjoys her one night stand – you can
articulate what you do and don’t want. Meeting at Saturday lunch and staying in
bed all afternoon means extended foreplay, which is great for your orgasm. You
can even pick the best week for a day session; we produced more testosterone on
days six to 14 of our menstrual cycle, which means we crave no strings sex,
while the premenstrual week chemistry makes us more experimental. Avoid days
15-21, however, when hormones may make you feel clingy post sex.
WHERE? You’re most likely to orgasm in the kitchen at your
house. Fact Just make sure that everyone is out! If you’re in your ‘nest’, says
Kayt, “it’s the optimum place to orgasm because you’re relaxed and have
whatever you need nearby. Men (the victims?) prefer going back to the woman’s
place because they could tell she’s more relaxed. Going back to his means you
find out too much about him and that’s already investing too much in a
one-night stand. Neutral ground – like a hotel room – is best for the walk-away
element and makes everything even more exciting.
